Assalamualaikum.

Its been what? a year? Yes. Well pardon me, I'm too busy being a wife and a daughter during my semester break. I'm stealing time because my husband is currently playing Skyrim beside me.

So what about today's topic? Abuse. I'm not abused don't get me wrong but people around me are. Some of my friends are in abusive relationships, some of them have abusive parents. Abusing doesn't really mean that you beat the shit out of someone. But if it does leave a mark, it's abusing. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Everyone can be abusive, anywhere, anytime because sometimes it's in their 'nature' to be harshand called it love. Here are a few traits that represent abuse,

1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people. Sometimes even in front of your family, remember it doesn't really have to be in a romantic relationships. It can happen between parents and their children as well. For example, you tell others about how cheapskate your spouse is, or how your kid is lazy and never help you with anything.

2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs. This, always happen when parents think they're right even when they are actually wrong. Sometimes, they felt humiliated when given a different opinion.

3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself. This has become a norm we forget how sarcasm has actually hurt so many relationships.

4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks. It's not wrong if you're jealous, or hurt. There is no such thing as being too sensitive. If you hurt someone with certain words, you hurt others with the same words as well. Some people are better at handling their emotions than others.

5. They try to control you and treat you like a child. Clingy, and not trusting your partner, always expecting the worst to happen.

6. They correct or chastise you for your behavior. If you love them you should accept them for what they are.

7. They try to control the finances and how you spend money. Its your money you have the right to spend it however you want it. They shouldnt judge you or tell you what you spend on and what you shouldnt.

8. They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams. our spouse, our family should be the first people to  give support in everything you do. Parents shouldnt tell their children the only professions that actually make sense in this realm are doctors and engineers. Your spouse shouldn't question your choice of profession.

Assalamualaikum.
So , retreat is over. The real thing begins now. We've started our revision program this week. I'm starting to feel nervous of this upcoming exam, in May. I know you're curious to know about what I'm supposed to be writing as the title is a bit intimidating. Well, one thing I learnt from retreat that you actually see people backstab you. Mind you, Openly.

Retreat is supposed to be about bonding, BUT since coming back I feel as if people are being distant from each other. Or maybe only me. Because I've witnessed people actaully talk bad about me , and came up to my face and talked like nothing happen. But is this backstabbing or just being nice? You can't actually treat people the way you feel about them. If you hate someone, you treat them like trash? I don't know, that is not what islam teaches us.

Islam teach us not to hate anyone, and always find good in them. I've been trying my best to do that since I got back from retreat. Husnudzon la katakan. When you try to do something good, dugaan mula lah datang. I was not a very nice person, and I'm telling you I used to be a laser mouth. Main kasar, bergurau kasar. Since I came to MKIC, I've changed. Kadang2 kawan kita gurau kasar, ada lah terasa sana sini. i kept quiet. For a very long time. But the thing is seandainya aku tergurau, maybe kasar, semua orang nak terasa. Kelakar kan. But that's okay.

I always feared that my friends would leave me. My Dad always said that "treat your friends the way you want to be treated" yes. Kalau aku bad mood, takda la nak lepaskan kat orang lain. Sebab aku tau apa rasanya tau kalau orang lain buat kat aku, yet it still happened. Kalau kawan kita buat salah, tolong lah jangan diam aje, buat taktau and ignore dia, apa salah nya tegur elok elok. I'm glad that me and my roommates have this kind of relationship.

Bukan nak kata apa, jaga hati. Jaga hati kawan kita walaupun dia lukakan kita. It hurts me a lot to have people ignoring me and tell me that 'its nothing' and keep on ignoring walaupun dah minta maaf. I may not be a good friend, but I always value my friendship with all my friends.  Aku nak ukhuwah kita berkekalan sampai syurga. Aku nak sebut nama hampa kalau aku masuk syurga dan tak jumpa hampa. I just want to have something to remember between us walaupun kita dah masing2 ikut haluan masing2.

I might seem desperate for friends. Believe me I love each and everyone of you even if you don't feel the same way about me.

Maaf semua kerana sudah lama tidak menulis... Sekejap muncul sekejap hilang, itulah adat resam seorang manusia.. tambah tambah penulis dan admin blog ini sebagai seorang pelajar dan bakal menghadapi peperiksaan yang penting bulan Mei ini...

Saya sebagai Rikudou Saiyan, pada hari ini ingin berkongsi lebih mendalam tentang kehidupan saya kepada para pembaca... Moga moga Allah memberi hidayah dan pedoman buat yang membaca mahupun yang terbaca daripada kisah yang bakal saya kongsikan ini.. Seiring dengan perletakan jawatan MB Kedah, Dato' Mukhriz Mahathir pada hari ini dan pelbagai lagi pergolakan yang berlaku dalam negara ini terutamanya isu-isu berkaitan ekonomi negara sangat membimbangkan.. bukan ingin membela kerajaan yang memerintah pada hari ini, cuma penulis ingin pembaca memikirkan bahawa segala yang berlaku pada hari ini, mustahil hanya sia-sia dan berbaur keburukan sesetengah pihak semata-mata..

Ya, sememangnya kita hidup sekarang semakin susah dengan harga barangnya, kejatuhan harga minyak dunia, peperangan sana-sini, namun pernah kah kita terfikir bahawa pada suatu masa nanti kita akan berasa bersyukur dengan kesusahan yang kita lalui sekarang?? Pernahkah kita terfikir bahawa Allah SWT sedang memberi kita suatu pelajaran dan sedang memberi hikmah akan kesulitan yang kita lalui ini? Islam mengajar kita supaya yakin bahawa setiap kejadian yang berlaku tiada kebetulan dan pasti ada hikmahnya yang sudahpun tertulis di Luh Mahfudz..

Sekali lagi penulis ingin sekali menegaskan bahawa artikel ini bukan berbaur politik dan bertindak sebagai agen menjernihkan suasana serta mengandungi elemen halus menyokong kerajaan yang sedia ada... bahkan tidak sama sekali.. Dalam Islam, yang zalim harus ditentang, yang adil mengikut Islam wajib ditegakkan oleh semua manusia tanpa mengira dia masih pelajar sekolah atau mahasiswa.. kerana wajib ke atas setiap individu muslim yang sudah akil baligh memperjuangkan syariat Islam tanpa sebarang alasan bagi membenarkan lafaz syahadah yang diucapkan,,, Tunduk dan tidak bertindak menentang kezaliman adalah bukti diri kita redha dan bersetuju dengan kezaliman yang wujud pada zaman ini..

Namun pada hari ini, ingin penulis untuk menegur sikap sesetengah pihak yang mempersoalkan keadilan Allah yang Maha Esa dan norma masyarakat yang hanya mahu menyalahkan takdir atas apa jua yang berlaku tanpa memikirkan hikmah di sebalik setiap dugaan mahupun nikmat yang Allah kurniakan kerana yakinlah dalam diri bahawa seekor lalat yang hinggap di pipi kita juga mengandungi 1001 hikmah yang dicaturkan Allah tanpa kita sedari... Setiap yang berlaku tiadalah hanya sia-sia...

Panjang muqaddimah yang diberi, hanya Allah jualah yang mampu memberi hidayah... Penulis telah menyedari hakikat suka duka kehidupan yang mengandungi jutaan hikmah seawal berumur belasan tahun iaitu ketika penulis berada di sebuah sekolah berasrama penuh... penulis berasal daripada sebuah keluarga yang memperoleh didikan agama yang lengkap daripada kecil kerana ibu bapa merupakan hamba Allah yang soleh dan solehah.. Mereka juga bergelar ustaz dan ustazah kerana mengajar ilmu Islam yang hebat ini kepada ratusan pelajar... Namun, bukan untuk mengatakan bahawa didikan dan asuhan yang diberikan oleh mereka tidak sempurna, tidak, bahkan ilmu yang diamalkan dari dulu sehingga sekarang hasil daripada asuhan mereka..

Penulis membesar ke usia awal remaja dengan tidak mengenali Tuhan sendiri.. bahkan dalam hati ketika itu, boleh dikatakan tidak meyakini wujudnya Allah sebagai Pencipta dan merasakan konsep ketuhanan hanyalah ciptaan manusia semata mata...walaupun demikian, penulis tetap beramal dan beribadat dengan bersungguh-sungguh malah melebihi sahabat-sahabat kerana pertama sekali, ingin meraih pujian daripada manusia sekeliling.. tetapi pada masa yang sama, jauh di sudut hati ini, masih memaksa diri untuk terus percaya akan kewujudan Allah yang Maha Mulia dengan sebenar-benar percaya bukan hanya sebuah 'assumption'.. Malu untuk penulis akui, tetapi ketika itulah penulis telah menjadi atheist bertopengkan jasad muslim.. perasaan bercampur baur, cemburu melihat orang beramal dengan penuh keyakinan akan kewujudan Allah kerana perasaan tersebut tak mampu wujud dalam hati.. Malu dan bersalah dengan ibu bapa kerana iman mereka tidak dapat ku warisi...

Setiap kali penulis cuba mewujudkan keyakinan akan kewujudan Tuhan pasti bisikan kecil yang jahat dan menyuntik keraguan akan kedengaran mematahkan hujah kewujudan Tuhan.. hari demi hari, dilema itu semakin terbina kukuh, keraguan semakin memuncak... walaupun begitu, usaha untuk menjejak keyakinan tersebut tidak pernah dihentikan... sentiasa penulis bermonolog sendirian, memarahi Tuhan dengan mengatakan, "jika Engkau wujud, mengapa Engkau membiar aku terus ragu, kenapa seringkali hujah utk meyakini Mu dipintas oleh gerak hati sendiri.. adakah Engkau mahu aku ke neraka?".. Maka, setiap hari, penulis berdoa walaupun tidak percaya, seolah olah memerli supaya diberikan bukti yang mampu mententeramkan hati, yang zahir di mata kasar seorang manusia..

Allah yang Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Pengasih, tidak pernah mengecewakan hamba-hambaNya walaupun hamba itu menentang dan tidak mempercayaiNya.. bukti demi bukti diperlihatkan kepada penulis.. penulis mencari bukti keajaiban Tuhan di internet, melihat gambar-gambar di seluruh pelosok dunia tentang kebesaran Allah.. kerana kejahilan dan kedegilan aku pada ketika itu, aku mengatakan semua gambar tersebut hasil 'edit' oleh pihak tertentu walaupun sebenarnya mustahil untuk meng'edit' gambar sebegitu... usaha tidak berhenti ketika itu sahaja, penulis menghadiri sebuah majlis Ilmu yang disampaikan oleh seorang cendekiawan Islam, Dr Danial Zainal Abidin yang menceritakan bukti kebenaran Al-Quran melalui sains.. walaupun terang-terangan dibuktikan melalui ayat Al-Quran, namun hati tetap tidak dapat menerima dengan mengatakan ilmu tersebut dicedok daripada tamadun greek dan yunani.. Allah memberikan bukti secara zahir sebanyak 3 kali, penulis melihat kalimah Allah tertulis di langit sebanyak dua kali dan melihat ikan yang sisiknya membentuk kalimah Allah dengan mata sendiri, namun penulis tetap menolak...

Pada suatu hari, sedang penulis membelek belek Al-Quran, penulis terjumpa ayat yang agung yang menceritakan tentang tanda-tanda kebesaran Allah berada di sekeliling termasuk pada diri sendiri.. dan Allah berfirman bahawa tanda tersebut hanya dapat disedari oleh orang yang berfikir..penulis tersentap, adakah selama ini aku tidak pernah berfikir... lalu penulis terlihat bentuk jari-jari penulis yang membentuk kalimah Allah dalam bahasa Arab, dalam masa yang sama, teringat segala bukti yang dizahirkan Allah sebelum ini merupakan kalimah yang sama dan juga berbahasa arab di seluruh pelosok dunia membuktikan kebenaran bahawa Allah ialah Pencipta yang Maha Esa.. penemuan penemuan sains yang dibuktikan oleh AlQuran terus diyakini oleh penulis atas dua perkara yang sebelum ini tidak pernah terlintas dalam fikiran.. pertama, jika Allah bukan Tuhan, bagaimana terbentuknya kalimah Allah pada kebanyakan tempat, malah di tangan sendiri dan penemuan-penemuan sains itu diceritakan oleh nabi yang ummi dengan Al-Quran.. keduanya, jika ada tuhan lain selain Allah, bagaimana dia boleh membiarkan kalimah Allah tertulis pada ciptaannya..sungguh pada ketika itu,penulis terfikir bahawa kalimah Allah yang terbentuk di mana- mana mustahil kebetulan.. pada saat itu lah, timbulnya keyakinan yang kukuh terhadap kebenaran Islam sehingga sekarang,,, moga-moga kekal sehingga syurga.. In shaa Allah..

Pelbagai pengajaran yang boleh dipetik daripada kisah ini, namun ketika itu penulis masih belum mendapat jawapan mengapa Allah meletakkan penulis dalam keadaan atheist selama beberapa tahun.. sudah pasti pada akal seorang manusia, tidak nampak hikmah di sebalik takdir ini..sudah pasti bukan satu perkara yang menyeronokkan meragui kewujudan Tuhan dan kerisauan sentiasa muncul tentang penerimaan Allah terhadap amal ibadat penulis sepanjang menghadapi ujian tersebut..

Jadi, kembali kepada tujuan asal penulisan ini dan muqaddimah yang panjang pada awal tadi, setelah penulis melanjutkan pelajaran ke sebuah kolej persediaan yang penuh dengan manusia yang tenat.. penulis berjumpa dengan ramai lagi orang islam seperti penulis dahulu di kolej ini.. yang sudah hampir tidak mempercayai Allah lagi walaupun mengaku beragama Islam.. pada masa ini lah, penulis menyedari akan hikmah mengapa Allah meletakkan diri ini pada keadaan sedemikian pada sewaktu ketika dahulu.. Perancangan Allah tersangat hebat dan menjangkaui fikiran kita sebagai seorang makhluk.. Allahurabbi.. rupa-rupanya, Allah telah mempersiapkan penulis bagi menyedarkan pula orang Islam yang tidak lagi mempercayaiNya kerana dengan pengalaman penulis mengalami keadaan atheist, penulis lebih tahu bagaimana untuk memberi dakwah dan peringatan kepada golongan tersebut.. Terima kasih Allah kerana memilihku untuk melakukan kerja mulia ini iaitu menyedarkan dan meyakinkan manusia akan kewujudan Mu...

Lihatlah wahai pembaca sekalian, sebenarnya seburuk mana perkara yang berlaku dalam hidup kita, adalah tarbiah daripada Allah SWT.. Allah tidak menetapkan sesuatu dengan sengaja melainkan mengandungi kebaikan buat diri kita... perkara buruk yang berlaku pun kita akan syukuri kerana Allah mentakdirkan itu berlaku, inikan pula dugaan Allah berbentuk amanah yang berat dan tohmahan manusia ketika kita melakukan dakwah.. pada konteks zaman sekarang, susah payah kita untuk terus menjalani kehidupan sebagai pelajar dan rakyat.. pasti suatu hari nanti, akan kita syukuri kerana Allah membiarkan kita hidup di zaman ini,, Hebatnya Allah... :)

- RIKUDOU SAIYAN -

Dugaan dan cabaran sememangnya lumrah bagi seorang manusia. Oleh itu, pada hari ini ingin saya menyentuh satu perkara yang sangat ditakuti terutamanya sebagai seorang pelajar.. In shaa Allah.. Sebagai seorang pelajar, tekanan yang utama adalah keputusan peperiksaan.. siapa yang dapat result yang baik pasti akan gembira atas usahanya dan orang yang dapat kurang memuaskan akan berasa kecewa kerana berasa diri bodoh dan tak punyai harapan walau pun sebanyak mana usaha..

Esok dah nak balik kolej oiii... banyak g benda yang x setel lagi ni.. haha hati ni kecewa.. kecewa dgn diri sendiri sbb bayangkan cuti sebulan, homework tersimpan kemas dalam beg... bersih drpd cap jari aku mahupun sesiapa.. adik kecik aku yang suka kelongkar beg pun x terlekat cap jari dia kat situ... betapa hebatnya sistem security ciptaan aku.. hahaha...

Bismillahirahmanirrahim ! Hello there readers. *ada ke yang baca ni,oh well*  So a week has passed by since I've arrived MKIC . It wasn't that bad , but it was very tiring. Handling the orientation was no easy task, I tell you . I wonder how the big universities did it. Plus, this time we didn't even hire (is hire the right word for it?)  a consultant . You know, those motivational consultants where they prepare motivational activities for the students to kick start their first semester in University or in this case Pre-University. So ,being the facilitator is kind of fun. But the preparation I tell you, almost everything was adhoc , haha. Other than the academic slot explaining on exams and the courses they take, the slots were up to us facilitators to handle it. We tried really hard to make sure that every slot has its objective. Since our college is new , and I'm only in the second batch handling the third batch , our sources of ideas were limited. But we managed it at last. We worked as one , but each of us had our own slot where we were the ones who were in charge of that particular session. Well, I got the self awareness slot. It's really hard. To create awareness in young adults and to be the one to make them aware is not easy. We are different by only a year how could we possibly pull this out. But Alhamdulillah , We succeed. For those who're wondering, ni lah slot yang buat orang nangis nangis dalam gelap teringat kat mak bapa. *theres the "oooooo is see"*  Bukannya senang nak bagi orang sedar, sebab pada masa yang sama kita lalui apa yang mereka lalui, so I cried too while giving the speech.  So, Juniors , welcome to MKIC! I'm not sure if you'll like the place but there are other things you can be thankful for, like the stars at isya' and the coconut skae at pasar malam every monday. those memories are cool. Not to forget your friends here. Just study hard and strive for the best, you can't really care bout any of the problems that MARA is facing right now, with the nilai mata wang jatuh and what not, just study , because when you score they will definitely find a placement for you.  Kalau jadi senior je mesti cakap pasal junior kan ? haha that's not all. Being the senior here in this college means that it's time you stop playing and start studying, really hard, less than 10 months I will be facing my biggest fear, A levels exam. I'm really scared. Really. I'm going nuts waiting for the AS exam results.  Azam baru sem ni, jaga kesihatan, kurangkan tidur, buat homework setiap hari, tak nak malas malas, *amin, in shaa Allah* Kadang kadang kalau kita reflect balik hidup kita ni , taksub sangat dengan kejayaan dunia, that's why I'm trying so hard to make sure ICOM is active starting this semester. I really want to contribute to Allah, to the ummah. And ICOM is one of the medium, probably the only medium I have, to gain islamic knowledge. I'm really proud that ICOM started off this sem with an introduction to the juniors , and iftar jamaie. Our first iftar together, makan dalam talam, lauk ikan keli lagi! Can't wait to go through this sem, really, never been this excited, probably because I'm already half way through this program, so pray for me :)

Bismillahirahmanirrahim ,   Rindu, ya ana rindu akan hobi hobi ana yang dahulu. Hobi sebelum ana membuat keputusan untuk berhijrah. Rindu akan aktiviti-aktiviti yang dibuat untuk mengisi masa lapang dahulu. Rindu nak berhuha huhaa dengan kawan, lepak sana sini dengan geng dulu dulu. ya, Rindu. Walaupun mereka tidak lagi berlegar dalam hidup ana tapi mereka akan sentiasa diingati. Walaupun tiada di depan mata , but they sure left me some precious memories to remember. Sekrang masing² dah ke haluan masing². Semoga perjuangan mencari keredhaan-Nya tercapai wahai sahabat (ws : happy family).   Bila masuk UTP, penghijrahan ana bermula, ukhuwwah dibina bersama dengan warga warga disana. Rindu atau tidak ? gila ke tak rindu ? Macam mana ana boleh lupakan mereka, they're a blessing from Allah to me. Yes, it has been more than a year but my heart still aches for that kind of relationship.  (I should move on, but I can't huhuhu T_T) MKIC, should have the most impact on me, but I've tried and tried but mostly I just failed (banging my head on the wall) . I failed and I'm lost I don't even know what to do. Ukhuwwah ini perlu dibina , bukan ia datang bergolek sahaja. Ya , tapi ana dah cuba, cuba dan cuba untuk bina persahabatan atas dasar lillahitaala. Kawan? Ramai. Ramai sangat. Don't get me wrong, I love them but there's no spark yet (eceh spark konon ingat cerita cinta ka apa). Terasa kosong. Sehingga cemburukan persahabatan orang lain (I'm already a very jealousy friend imagine me as a wife, lol) . Cemburu yang mencucuk cucuk. Adakah ini satu dugaan dari Allah ? ana tak tahu. Lagi lama ana duduk dekat MKIC, lagi membuak buak nafsu nak putus asa istiqmah dalam penghijrahan. Ini jugak salah satu punca homesick ana yang teruk. Sikit sikit nak balik rumah, setiap hari call parents menangis nangis. (Literally, I rebelled when I can't go home during my exam gaps, sorry Ustaz T_T)  Antum kat luar tu kalau ada sahabat yang sentiasa membimbing kita ke jalan Allah tu bersyukur lah. Bukan senang nak cari kawan yang boleh kongsi semua masalah, semua rahsia, kelemahan dan aib kita , dan dia masih tetap setia dengan kita. Kalau ada , ucapkan Alhamdulillah , berikan hadiah kepadanya , cium dahinya , peluk tubuhnya dan ucapkan terimaksih kepadanya. Love your friends.  I'm not sure if its my problem , that I'm too scared to open up. But I don't think so, because I've tried to share my problems to any one of you , It turns out as a gossip in the school. Who do I trust ? Or I just can't digest the fact that a human person can never be mine and mine alone. I get jealous when I open up to someone , and that someone is laughing away with somebody else , i feel paranoid, scared that I can't trust her. Whatever it is next semester should be different for me. Because next sem will not be the same. Especially icom. During my break, I've prepared so many for icom instead of src. I don't know why icom is much more important to me. I really hope that everything will be fine. Including my personal statement and ielts. So many things needed to be done, so little time. Enough about me, Let's reflect. Bukan nak perli bukan nak mencaci dan bukan juga untuk menghina tapi untuk peringatan diri ini dan juga kamu semua. Antum fikirkan sahabat sahabat antum yang antum rapat. Sepanjang persahabatan apa yg antum pelajari daripadanya ? pernahkah dia kejutkan antum subuh ? pernah atau tidak ajak ke surau? pernah atau tidak menegur kesilapan antum? Kalau tak, fikir fikir balik betul. Nope, I'm not going to ask you to  ditch your friends and find new ones. I HATE IT when people say that to be good you need to be friends with good people. Kalau macam tu lah semua manusia, siapa yg nak bimbing orang orang yg tiada hala tuju tu? Kalau macamtu ana sampai sekrang tak kan jadi seperti sekrang kalau bukan kerana kawan2 ana di utp dahulu. Kita nak berkawan ni, lagi manis kalau niat nya kerana Allah, tanamkan dalam diri, "Aku nak jd orang yg bawa dia ke syurga" , kongsi ilmu dengan dia, ajak dia pergi majlis ilmu. Klau dalam kalangan perempuan ni , memang ada perkara perkara ni tapi pada masa yang sama , gosip pasal lelaki , kutuk puak lain, kalau macam ni apa gunanya buat pahala kalau dapat dosa balik ? (peringtan pada diri sendiri).  Sentap tak seNtap belakang cerita (Ana tak berniat pun nak sentapkan, tapi tersentap pulak, sobsob T_T) , ukhuwah ni maknanya bond, relationship. Ukhuwah Islamiyyah pula persaudaraan dalam islam. “Belum dikatakan beriman salah seorang diantara kamu, sehingga ia mencintai saudaranya seperti ia mencintai dirinya sendiri ” (HR. Bukhari). Sanggup tak nak berlapar demi kawan ? sanggup tak nak halalkan hutang kawan? Sanggup tak nak menyusahkan diri demi kawan? Kalau belum , belum capai lagi semua tahap ukwah tu. Eh Tahap? Ukwah pun ada tahap ke ? Bro semua benda ada tahapnya. 

• Yep. So first stage of Ukhuwah is Taaruf. I think we all know what's taaruf. It's like ice breaking, where you get to know each other. Well usually judging happens at this stage. Man, you don't even know the person yet so don't judge and make up your mind yet. 
• The second stage of ukwah is Tafahum . It means mutual understanding in the brotherhood you share. It takes a long time to know one's character, background, family, and history. In this stage it needs a lot of husnudzon. Yes, positive thinking. If you're annoyed with someone, that means your relationship with someone haven't come to this stage yet. I've experienced this. I've hated someone for almost 2 years but after I get to know her background I've grown to love her like my own sister. So , have positive thoughts people 
• ! The third stage ... (whew making a friend is sure damn hard)... is Ta'awun, which means helping each other. Well, when you are ready to help your friend in any situation that means you've reached this stage. But it has to be sincere, and it has to come from your love towards her and you faith towards Allah swt. In this stage, if you still have selfish feelings, or if your friend did a small mistake, mula nak mengungkit, backstab, haa salah tu. Cuba la sabar sekejap. Kalau terasa sangat, tegur dia. Tegur elok elok. Tegur tu saling menolong jugak tu. Mana tau kalauu dia tak buat dah perangai macam tu sebab ingat nasihat antum , antum dapat pahal free ja. 
• Haa dah naik ke stage Takafful, Takafful ni saling menanggung. Kita kena sedia menanggung rasa susah kawan kita, jangan biarkan dia terkapai kapai keseorangan. Kita kena berkorban demi kebahagiaan dia. Kita kena sentiasa berada disisi dia. Bila dia lapar, hulurkan makanan, Bila dia kehabisan duit, kita hulurkan duit. Bila dia susah study kita kena tolong dia.
•  Dan akhir sekali, itsar. Itsar is like the highest level of ukwah. And if you've achieved this  masyaAllah , bravo brothers and sisters. Itsar ni mendahulukan orang lain, dari diri kita sendiri. Betapa tingginya iman seseorang bila dia mamu capai tahap ni. Bila dia mampu berlapar demi kawannya yang kebulur. But yes of course, dalam zaman ni nak buat contoh tu susah. Ingat kisah dalam perang apa tah, panas terik , dan semua askar kehausan, air botol ada satu sahaja, pahlawan pertama membukanya nak minum air tak jadi sebab orang sebelah mengeluh kehausan, dia bagi kat orang sebelah , orang tu pun tak minum jugak sebab orang sebelah dia pula kehausan, they passed and passed until it reached the first person again, and at last semua mati syahid.

Betapa mudahnya ajaran islam ni, hidup berkomuniti ni ditampilkan begitu indah sekali. After learning a bit of ukwah today, life doesn't seem so bad , right? people didn't have to be mean all the time. People are mean because they didn't know how to communicate right ,to love right. That's why, as muslims , we are so blessed, we love everyone like our own family. Because that is how it's supposed to be. Spread love to everyone you know. Lower your ego, increase your imaan. 

nope, you do not need to read this, I just feel like i need to let it out. Bismillahirahmanirrahim, and again I've abandoned this blog. A-level is very time consuming (alasan semata mata) . Of course, studying in MKIC is a blessing you can say. *cough* The surrounding is nice, great food, superb lecturers, tolerable facilities and all. There's nothing more I could ask for, Alhamdulillah. But, (there's always a but) I am no longer the person I used to be before I entered MKIC, I'm not the person who wants to jihad to her heart's desire, I have lost that interest. Rasanya itulah dugaannya bila di MKIC, it's still a new college , there's no one you follow, you're the one to lead. Biah solehah dekat MKIC tak lah sempurna. Tapi Alhamdulillah, it's moderate, every women wear's their hijab, men goes to the surau to pray, we had some digital tazkirahs and we only had one usrah by far (still working on it).  Honestly, I am jealous of the community of other colleges. I've keep track with them to improvise iCom (Islamic Community Of MKIC - which is a very cool organisation in my college) . Every time I decide to do something, I get very excited but when it didn't happen it dragged all my energy down. It's like I've gave up on trying. Juniors are coming in less than a month and I am still clueless. I don't have a plan, I don't know what to do. It saddens me a lot. Which is also the reason I've changed drastically , and worst during my AS exams. I didn't go to the surau any more, I sleep a lot, I sin a lot, I didn't do the deeds I used to do. I have no interest in religious conversations. What kind of a leader am I? Am very disappointed with myself. There's no one here that would remind me, or lend a hand, or even slap me in the face to wake me up. It's a small community,where everyone is friends with everyone but each and everyone of them is ignorant. It's back in highschool again, I'm back at my old path, zaman jahiliyyah ku. But this time it's worst because I know I shouldn't act like this but I do. My heart is yearning for light, my spirit is hungry, I am weak so is my imaan. I've prayed and prayed, but I didn't prayed hard enough. I need serious help.  MKIC might be a college everyone looked up to, but to me, selagi warganya tak ditarbiyah selagi tu ia malap bagiku. There's no fire here, students are lost in their own world, and I felt like a useless leader. And all this because everyone is consoling everyone with lies. "it's okay" , "don't worry, it's not time yet" . Not time yet ? does death cares when it comes to you ? by that time can you say that "its not my time yet, im not ready" hell no. I need to wake up. I need to get back on track, if there's no track, I'll make one. I'm the only one who can help me. Good luck , dear self. I'm so sorry that you have to read this. Preaching myself. Maybe it might give you some benefits.

Bismillahirahmanirrahim, It's been a while since I posted anything here. Life is MKIC has been.... normal. Well, I'm officially 19. Feeling so old but so immature in handling my own feelings. Still can't fit in here. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends here, both classmates and housemates its just that I don't feel comfortable sharing my problems with anyone here. At first I thought I can share with kitty (not real name), but then to her I'm just another friend who'd only be with her when they have problems. Well I'm not, because she meant so much to me, but she preferred someone else's company. So I decided that I don't want to share to her anymore, sebab ana tak nak jadi kawan yg cari kawan bila dia susah ja. Gosh, it's so hard when feelings matter so much to you. Zaman sekolah dulu tak da orang nak heran kalau sapa sakitkan hati sapa. Sejak membesar ni makin sensitif pulak.Orang gurau sikit dah terasa menusuk kalbu, betapa rapuh nya diri ku ini Ya Allah. I guess I get hurt to what people say because I'm the kind of person who mean everything I say. I'd never make a joke out of anything.  So, extrovert. Yes I'm an extrovert. I'm a people person. I mingle. I talk to everyone. I socialize online. like I blog. I pour out my heart's desire here. I take part in almost everything. I lead and follow. Physically I'm an extrovert. Emotionally , I'm an introvert. I have an ego bigger than a guy's. I take everything at heart. I can't fit in emotionally. I can't trust people easily. When I love I love hard, but I'm ignorant sometimes. Constantly having a war in my mind. Ya Allah kuatkanlah hati hamba Mu ini. I need to be strong for You. I can't be so dependent on human because they always break my heart while You mend it. Malu nya aku dengan Mu Ya Allah. 

Bismillahirahmanirrahim. Ampunkan ana atas kekasaran dan kehilangan akal ana minggu lalu. Ana dah tak tau apa sebenarnya yang merasuk diri ana ni. Setiap detik ada sahaja air mata nak jatuh. Well, being a cry baby , it's really hard handling your feelings here. Balik balik disakiti, lagi lagi orang sekeliling. Ya, orang sekeliling. Manusia yang bernama kawan, sahabat. Pernah aku dengar kata kata, " Biarpun sahabat kau mempunyai 100 keburukan, carilah kebaikan dalam dirinya walaupun 1, kerana itu yang menjadi sebab kau sayangkan dia"  But here? My friends are all more the reason to love. But when they repel you, what else can you do. Being a loner hurts. A lot. I really miss you guys, Naurah and Afieza, and of course, the whole gang. It was the best 4 months of  my life , I swear. Adakah aku tidak bersyukur? tak. Aku sangat bersyukur, sebab Allah letakkan aku kat sini. Dikelilingi ramai orang yang sayangkan aku, *hopefully* mungkin diorang ni tak menunjukkan kasih sayang diorang. Ya, deorang tinggalkan aku bersendirian. They've dithced me, hurt me, with all for one reason. To make me stronger. I'm too sensitive to live in the real world. Sikit sikit nak terasa, kan? Hek eleh Azwa dah masuk kolej, hidup sendiri ah nak mengharapkan orang sangat kenapa? kan? kan? haih. Azwa kenapa AZWA. KENAPA LEMBIK. Kenapa kau nak sakit hati. Kenapa kau mengharapkan manusia sedangkan Allah ada. Kenapa walaupun dengann statement ni kau tetap nak terluka dengan sikap kawan2 kau? Kenapa tak fikir yang sebenarnya kawan kau menjauhi kau sebab perangai kau sendiri?Sedarlah Azwa. Sedar. Sedar. Biar lah mereka tak layan perangai kau, biarlah mereka tak menunggu kau, biarlah mereka berkasar bahasa dengan kau. Asalkan mereka yang membawa kau ke jalan yang benar. Yang mendekatkan kau dengan Allah. Ya itulah sahabat yang sebenar. Biarlah aku bersendirian , biarlahh hati aku berkecai tapi diletakkan semula oleh Allah. Biarlah.   Lihatlah kebaikan dalam sahabat kau Azwa. Tak nampak ke batapa diorang sayangkan kau. 

Beratnya Ya Allah , berat sungguh.  Di saat semua orang dah menghafal surah surah lazim , aku di sini cuba mencari jalan keluar. Bukan nya tak usaha, tapi aku marah dengan diri sendiri atas kelembapan kepala tengkorakku . Betapa susahnya untuk aku menghafal surah surah ni , wahal orang lain dah menghafal semua surah ni masa tadika lagi. Aku malu , dah menghafal tu malu nak minta kawan dengarkan. Setiap kali aku cuba sebut balik apa yang  aku hafal , aku lupa dan mesti air mata nak jatuh. Aku benci , aku benci ! Baru surah , belum zikir dan doa lagi. Aku menyesal aku bazirkan zaman kanak kanak dan remaja aku dengan jahiliyyah. Aku menyesal tak sedar diri dari awal. Aku menyesal menyakitkan hati parents aku. Aku menyesal! I should've been a good daughter, listened to my parents , be a pious muslim. Maybe I would've ended up being shameful of myself now.   That doesn't count on this emptiness I felt since the last few months I'm here. Everything is blank blank blank blank .

FED UP 

Bismillahirahmanirrahim . Such a beautiful morning , aite? So, It's going to be an express post since I only have a few hours to write this. I usually took a whole day  to write a blog post. Ok, berkempen? Maybe most of you didn't know that I got a great responsibility here in MKIC. (Wait, ana berperasan je ni ramai pembaca, padahal takda). Ana  dilantik sebagai ketua batch, it's actually a non-official post. Ana tak sangka dapat sebenarnya , tapi itulah kebenaran dari ujian statistik pengundian. *hekeleh hang ni*  To simplify your confusedness, being a batch leader means looking out for my batch. Not to mention that , ana tercalon dalam MPP. Which means I have to prepare a manifesto and stuffs. The only thing now is I only realised that its wrongg , but I can feel that it's right too. Before I tell you why it’s wrong, let me tell you why I think I’m capable to handle this SRC thingy. Bukan nak perasan. T_T Families and friends come to me to tell me their problems, ask for my advice, wants my motivation. Tu je pun, not much , semua orang boleh buat kan? Tapi entahla, mungkin ana rasa tu kelebihan yang ana ada, tu talent ana. MAYBE. MAYBE NOT. This is why I think I can handle this. To be honest , here’s the ugly truth, to be in the SRC, that is not enough. You need to be strict, you have to be a discipline person. Tak boleh pilih kasih. Kena adil. Kena banyak ilmu , because if you’re going to be a leader , might as well follow Rasulullah’s (SAW) way. Be a leader that fulfilled the 5 pillars of islam, that never leaves their solat , never procrastinates them, be pious, patience is important as well. On top of it you have to be strong, but humble at the same time. So , if you think giving your name to the SRC is as easy as peach pie, I’m sorry my friend. Melibatkan diri dalam MPP ni bukan untuk popularity, bukan sebab nak kuasa , sebab kalau itu tujuan antum, ana tak boleh bayangkan betapa banyak dosa yang ditampung , kerana setiap satu kesalahan anak buah yang dilakukan kerana kecuaian seorang pemimpin, dosa semua masuk akaun pemimpin. Kat Akhirat nati , sorang sorang tuntut pahala mereka. (huwaaaa scaryyy) T_T Kenapa salah kalau meminta jawatan (mencalonkan diri)? isk isk isk . (banjir dah blog ni dengan ayaq mata).

Dari Abdurrahman bin Samurah ra berkata: Rasulullah saw bersabda “ Hai Abdur Rahman bin Samurah janganlah kamu meminta jawatan , sekiranya kamu diberi jawatan dengan memintanya Allah akan menyerahkannya untukmu menguruskannya (tanpa bantuan Allah), sekiranya engkau memperolehinya dengan tanpa memintanya Allah akan membantunya.” Hadis sahih Bukhari 6248 dan Muslim. Sabda Nabi : Sesungguhnya kamu kelak akan berlumba-lumba untuk mendapatlan jawatan dan kamu akan menyesal di Hari Akhirat Kelak. Ibid 7148

Mana taknya ana menangis , ana petik hadis ni dari buku “50  AKHLAK AHLI SALAFUSSOLEH”. Seandainya ana dipilih , ana trima. Tapi ana mungkin tidak akan berkempen. Bagi rakan rakan calon MPP, jangan risau jangan nangis.

Dalam sirah nabawiyah tentang nabi Yusuf AS. Allah berfirman “Berkata Yusuf: "Jadikanlah aku bendaharawan negara (Mesir); Sesungguhnya aku adalah orang yang pandai menjaga, lagi berpengetahuan". (QS 12;55)

Dalam konteks ni Nabi Yusuf menawarkan diri sebab dia rasa tiada lain yang layak selain dia . Hukum nya harus . Kalau kita bagi nama dalam MPP kira macam kita yang mintak la kan? T___T Sesungguhnya ana tidak peroleh ilmu sebegitu yang melayakkan ana untuk masuk MPP. Tapi takpa, selepas manifesto In shaa Alla hati ana akan tenang semula. AMIIN.

Besar amanah ni sebenarnya, I’m scared. The best way is just not to think about it and live on with my life. To my MPP friends , I believe in you , and I’m sure that you guys are going to be great, akan ku kempenkan untuk antum semua jangan risau.

Umar berkata:Kalau baghal (campuran kuda dan keldai) jatuh tergelincir di irak tuhan akan bertanya pada ku “kenapa engkau tidak meratakan jalan hai umar.” Abu bakar as-sidiq berkata:Demi Allah aku tidak tamak rasa terhadap kepimpinan siang atau malam dan tidak teringin padanya. Aku juga tidak pernah memohon pd Allah utk meminta jawatan samada depan orang ramai atau sorang2, tetapi aku amat takut sangat dgn ujian kepimpinan.

Kita ambil remeh tentang ni walhal Khalifah Ar Rasyidin pun gerun memegang jawatan yang dipikul. Memang, it’s a small thing actually. But come to think of it , dosa pahala sekrang nampak tak penting la, tunggu dah mati nanti baru kita tau.

Allah is sufficient for us

Bismillahirahmanirrahim. salam alayk ihwah wa akhowwat.  Salam Subuh. Hari ni dah masuk hari ke 20 ana dekat MKIC. Classes started , and my life started to become a bit stable. Things get into routine , lazy weekends and hectic weekdays. Homework, assignments and other stuffs as well. I was really excited with A&D , but my first drawing was really unexpected. *Sigh* We have to draw lines to fill up a A1 paper. it was exhausting, and the next one is to draw circles, also to fill up that gigantic paper. Selain dari tu , hidup ana hambar.  Not to mention that my OCD is driving me crazy. Because of this silly disorder, I've cried a couple of times. I can't focus to study and all I care to do is cleaning. Pagi mengemas, tengah hari mengemas, malam mengemas. Memang sepah sikit, hati dah tak tenang. Sampai tahap ana stress. There are some pros and cons having this weird fetish. The good thing about it is that I can assure you that I'll be a good wife *perasan baq ang*, but the bad side of it that it could literally lead me to stress. Stress is the reason I'm sick. Yes, I haven't recovered, Allah sayang orang yang sakit ni kan? Ana hanya  tabah menghadapi segala halangan. Today my dad told me that , even if you're sick and you get an MC, don't take advantage of it, you just might not know what you're missing. If you're strong enough to go on with life, then go ahead, don't let your sickness rule you. Allah's watching your every move. Don't pity yourself. Other than my sadistic life, everything else is okay, I'm starting to love the place, maybe mostly because of the people here.
  So what about negativity?  *baru nak masuk tajuk , ohoi.* please imagine me being stern nagging to all of you. The common society has this little attitude of being humble, not all of them, some. So humble that I feel like throwing a shoe into their faces. It's really annoying you see. "Aku tak pandai", "Aku bodoh, tak macam kau pandai gila". "Aku dari sekolah harian, aku bukan sekolah agama, aku bukan SBP , MRSM" , "Aku tak cantik lah, hodoh kot.", "Aku tak pandai speaking , mesti fail IELTS". Eiiii , geram. Just for your information , I was once a negative person, insecurities conquered me, especially when I went to UTP. To compare myself with all those geniuses, I'm just a speck amongst the atmosphere. Yes, I'm from Sekolah Harian. Yes, I only have 3A+, 5A, & 1A-. Yes, I don't come from a religious background, and many more uncountable flaws. Alhamdulillah , I've changed. I started to be positive.What's my secret? Meh dekat sikit ceq nak bisik. Have faith in Allah, and trust yourself. Every word you said, and if you believe it , that's what you'll get. So if you said that you won't score, then you won't. Be stress free (I'm still trying), Why do you worry when you already know that everything happens for a reason , Allah has set a path for you. I've tried being a positive person , and it helps a lot. I mean, what is there to be negative about ? Why let people see your weakness? Is there anything to be loved about in being a negative person. When you put your lifeline in Allah's hand, I guarantee you that everything will be much easier. Even when you're in deep pain. When you lose a friend , Allah is trying to protect you from being back stabbed or hurt by the person. When you failed in your test, Allah is reminding you that all of this academic accomplishments are hubbun dunya, termasuklah penghargaan manusia. Nak pandai ke mana? Cakap pasal positive ni tadi baru balik dari tazkirah selepas ishak di surau MKIC, Mr President bagi tazkirah pasal Hadith ke 19 dalam 40 Hadith Imam Nawawi tu. Tawakkal. So sangat berkaitan dengan apa yang ana cakap hari ni. (Percaya atau tidak, ana tulis blog ni dari kul 5 pagi sampai ke malam?) All in all, being negative is the destruction of life, it brings down one's self esteem, and it can lead to depression. Trust me , I've self harm just because lack of self confidence. Alhamdulillah semua ni dah berhenti setahun.  I guess that's all I wanted to talk bout. Oh and one more, to Izzaty Sazly, BE STRONG GIRL. I'M HERE FOR YOU SAYANG. Back to reality, Alhamdulillah , sehambar hambarnya kehidupan dalam hutan ni, ana dikurniakan housemates yang terbaik lahhh. 11 orang kesemuanya. Comel comel belaka. I love them. Ukhuwwah yang dibina sememangnya manis. Cakap pasal ukhuwwah, I've tried to create a righteous biah inside our home, and Alhamdulillah , my housemates are all tolerable. They would agree on any suggestion that I come across. It's fun living in this kind on environment. So, I want to thank my dearest housemates , because of you , I 've fallen in love. Because of you, I feel like I'm home. Thank you. Panija, Adilah, Siti, Ilaila, Fadhilah, Syuhada, Atiqah, Aina, Fatimah, Najwa, dan Anis.   Dear Rafael, Hope you're doing fine in your new environment. Be strong, I know the subjects you're taking is damn hard. Further maths especially, hwaiting !! Your family is really nice to contact me. I miss them too. I hope that you're doing well, I hope that I can meet you soon. It's funny that we're so near, yet so far. Tapi ini semua dugaan kan? sabar je lah. Ada hikmah.

Be my star and I'll be your light

Bismillahirahmanirahim , Allahummasollia'la Muhammad, wa'ala ali Muhammad.

Hi Guys, it has been a while. I've been busy through Ramadhan and Eid , since the WorldCup match is over I have registered to my new school. MARA KETENGAH International College. Well , what can I say? , I was here for only a week. Then we headed home for Eid celebration. Let's see , from my room's view , It's quite a scenery since there's literally nothing here except the woods. The weather? It's not that bad, the warm breeze cools down the campus. Some nights, the weather is just so hot and sticky, not to mention the creepy crawlies that I've never seen before . I could've opened up a museum. Anyway, I'm still alive. Alhamdulillah. It''s a 200m walk from the hostel to our campus. Can't tell you anything about the classes here though, they don't start til tomorrow. The seniors here are incredibly nice. The food is amazing, seriously. Everything here is okay I guess. Nothing could lead me to death. But, why oh why ,do I still feel so down?

I could guess that you're wondering why I'm not enthusiastic as I was when I told you about UTP. Of course, MKIC is not comparable to UTP, the residence, facilities and all. The surrounding? well UTP had a righteous biah, so does MKIC , but it's not as strong as it is in UTP. It's completely understandable, since MKIC has only been operating for 2 years, and I'm the second batch. To achive what UTP has achived is still a long way to go. If you don't start it with yourself, who else will?

To conclude is way too early, MKIC is definitely not love at first sight ,but we can always learn to love. I didn't like it when I first got here , but the fact that it would take me to overseas and study architecture, I've decided to just go with the flow. MKIC is not all bad, in fact it's sort of a calm place to study, And it's really far away from the cities, literally. The nearest mall is Mesra Mall which is 45 minutes away from the campus. We stayed in an apartment , all 12 of us, and now that it's almost complete, I think I just might love it. May Allah bless us all, and there's a hikmah He made me opt MKIC instead of UTP. In shaa Allah. I have a strong feeling that I would really love this place. In shaa Allah. I'm looking forward in this program, and can't wait to finish it. If Allah wills it, I'll enrol to a university in UK.

Ok, tukar topik macam tukar baju. < I can never get enough of this sentence. So , Eid celebration huh? I don't know, but this year's celebration is quite lame. Hambar wehhh. Not to mentioned that I got my face burned before Raya while cooking. The oil sort of exploded. It was painful ,of course. But Alhamdulillah, my skin is felolessss now. hewhew. It only leaves traces of pink skin, new skin. Duit raya? makin tua makin kurang. basically, my raya celebration can be described in one word, "meeehhhhh" . Hmm is that even a word? Tak sempat berjalan raya pun. But worry no more bout raya, MY CLASSES START TOMORROW. I'm excited. because the first subject is Art. I really hope that I'll be happy here. It's like a dark cloud has been following me around. 

I miss my home terribly. Not to mention my Ninja Turtle, Rafael, back home is struggling to survive the distance between us. Be strong dear. Ada hikmahnya. Don't worry , I don't have admirers here in MKIC. Good luck on your orientation next week in KYUEM. I'm sure you'll be fine. I'll have Azfar to take care of you and keep an eye on you. We may not be contacting frequently, but believe me, Allah has plans for us. Have faith in Him. Remember why we agreed on leaving UTP for this. 2 tahun, then everything will fall into place. Remember the code? the tortoise? Remember the vow we made? Don't forget. You don't have to worry about me, because you have my heart. All you have to do is pray to Allah for us, focus on your studies, tawakal, make your parents happy, plan your future, pray that we'll fly. In shaa Allah. Be strong.I guess that's all , I need to get ready for tomorrow. Assalamualaikum.

Hwaiting , ninja turle. Hasbunallahuwani'malwakeel

It was 3:00 a.m. in the morning when I called him , I cried horribly . At the end of the line , he just kept quiet from the moment I start moaning to the end. Never said a word.  After 10 minutes of sniffing and wailing, finally , he said “Get some sleep, we’ll talk tomorrow”.  I did exactly what he said.

Today , I was standing at the bus station , searching for him. Since the both of us are studying faraway , we only meet during the holidays. Let me just get this clear. Him and I , we’re like a combo, a lock and key. The both of us we’re very known as the awkward couple. Yes, we’re married, but we don’t know how to act around each other. It’s been only a month since our marriage, and we’ve haven’t really walk or talk like husbands and wives are supposed to. It’s not that I don’t love him, only God knows the love I have for him. He’s the sunshine to my dark soul. Me, I’m the one who’s causing all this awkwardness.

I’m not a social bug, nor friendly. Since the day we knew each other, I’ve been trying to avoid him. But only fate knows why , he didn’t care. He kept coming back again and again. For someone who suffers depression ,insecurities, and low self-esteem like me doesn’t deserve someone so bright like him. Getting to know him makes me happy , which, also a feeling I rarely show. He makes me feel secure. But him? He started to feel insecure the moment he fell in love with me. Now that we’re married, and still young, I doubt that I’m mature enough to be fair.

“Hey, How long did you wait?” He nudged my shoulder from the back.  His hair wet, plastered to his forehead, T-shirt sticking to his body, and his shoulders tense from carrying his backpack. A view that I would never want to look away.

“Not that long, only half an hour.”  I pulled out a handkerchief and wiped his face gently. He leaned in to give a hug. Awkwardly , I patted his back.

 “I..I missed you” he said , muffled in the scarf of my head. “Yeah, me too.” I tried to pulled away. He let go , and looked at me, eyebrows creasing. After a moment he smiled , a guilty smile.  Again , I just ruined a moment. Every time things like this happen because I was too egoistic to accept his affections, to be loved. He’s hurt for sure, it’s shown clearly on his face.

Heading home together for the first time, to our parents , to show them how happy we were. I’m nervous. Who knows what’ll happen on the way. On the bus, I continue to get him dry by patting him with the towel randomly, all over his face. It was a warm gesture that tickles him, hearing his laugh is certainly the medicine I need.

“It’s raining heavily, who knows what time we’ll arrive.” He looked at the window beside me. “Yeah, it’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay.”I assured him as I trace his palm with my fingers.  He closed his hand around mine and pulled my chin up with the other. “What is it? What’s scaring you last night? Were you in pain? Was it the nightmares again?” He asked.

This is why I opened up my heart to him. He’s very understanding. He never rushes. He waits for the right time.  “It’s nothing, I had an attack, I’m fine now.”  “Again? That was the third time this month. Are..are you okay? Do..Do you want to see the doctor?” His face worried.

 “you look funny.” I giggled. He frowned immediately. “You.. you probably had less sleep , you lost weight. I’m worried.” I stopped when he started to sigh and took a long breath.

“Hey, I’m okay. I just missed you a lot. That’s all. We’ll go to the doctor when we reached home. Okay?” Panicked that I might put him to further stress , I tried reassuring him. Though I know that there’s no way I’m going to the doctor. His face calmed. “I love you, you know?”.  Feeling guilty that I lied, I scoot away from him and nearer to the window . “Yeah. I know.”

“BANG” I hit my head on the window while sleeping  because the bus has gone through a rough road. He immediately pulled me closer to him and rubbed my head. “Are you okay? You hit really hard.” I wasn’t aware that my tears were streaming down my cheeks. Still under his arms, I sat silently. I looked up to him , but looked away because he was looking at me. I felt warmth flowed to my cheeks. I was blushing , I can’t believe that I was actually blushing.  I’ve never been that close to him for that long. And that time it didn’t feel awkward. So I snuggled closer. I didn’t look at him, because I was embarrassed. But I knew there was a ghostly smile of appreciation.

When we reached my home, it was already 10:00 p.m. I climbed , no, crawled up the stairs as he voluntarily carry all the bags to my room. Our room. When I reached the room, my destination was the bed. Not caring unpacking my things, not caring that there’s another human being in the room. He closed the door  and put all the bags to one side of the room. He turned around and took off his shirt, aware that I’m watching, and put on an old jersey. Again, I was blushing. He sat by the bed and took out my medicine. I was shocked that he knew where I put it. “Take these. Every pill. Don’t skip.” He hand over my drugs and a bottle of water. I did what he said. His eyes never left me. “Good girl.” He leaned in and kissed my forehead. Quickly , he kneeled to another bag, and pulled out a comforter. I know , I’m mean. Yes, he sleeps on the floor. But this time, I felt guilty; I don’t want him to be far from me. I don’t want to lose his touch. Lowering down my ego, my voice hardly came out. “Don’t..” .

“Hmm?” He was confused.  I reached his hand and pulled him up to the bed. “Not on the floor. Here.” I patted the bed. He was shocked. “No! I.. I CAN’T. I can’t let you sleep on..on the floor!” He was stuttering, I giggled out a nervous laugh. “No , silly, I’ll be beside you.”

“Oh.” He looked at me with a “are you serious” face. “you’re okay? You’re not scared anymore?” He whispered, it’s like he’s the one who’s scared. “No , maybe, I didn’t need my self time. Maybe, all along , I needed you. What’s past, let it stay in the past. You’re my life now.” I said, looking down, fiddling with my fingers.

All of the sudden he hugged me. So tight I couldn’t breathe.  “Finally,” He sighed . When he let go , he held on to my shoulder “I would never ever hurt you, I swear on my life. I will love you and cherish you eternally. I will protect you from harm. I will wipe away all your tears, and I will make sure that you never live in fear ever again. Because I’m here, I want u to be happy. I’ll do anything for you. I love you.” I was too stunned to speak and broke down into tears. He lied down, pulling  me with him, one arm around me. His shirt was wet with my tears , I was still aware that I’m listening to his heartbeat , while he kissed all my ugly scars on my wrists and caressed me to sleep. For the first time, I didn’t wake up screaming. For the first time since it happened, the same old nightmare is gone. For the first time, I woke up, being grateful to God. Thanking Him for this beautiful life I’ve been praying for was just in front of me all this while. For the first time, I finally realised that this person beside me loved me. Really loved me. 

So hope you're entertained with my writing. I'm currently having a snail speed internet , got to go. Assalamualaikum