Warriors

. Merajuk dengan Tuhan .

2:45 AM

Assalamualaikum ,

Well, here I am updating another blog post. Seems weird that I actually have time to write anything right now. My first week in MKIC, Al-Muktafi Billah Shah (AMBS) is near to its end. My gums are getting a lot better , (bukannya aku pantang sangat pun). I'm drowning in homework. Teachers are giving tonnes of homework, but still, the college decided to make silly programmes (Debate Workshop). I mean, seriously, kalau ye pun nak buat workshop, this sem is not the right time. Despite all the homework I've got. Yet I'm still here on my bed, typing away.

Now, Housemates are chittering away about thier universities placement in UK. Well, today happened to be AS Result day, for those who repeated. Yes, I repeated too. 2 subjects. Most of my friends scored. Me? not so much, it's not really that bad. But I would have to repeat one of the subjects. Again.

Apa kena mengena dengan merajuk dengan Tuhan? Haha. Am I devastated? Yes. Part of me has already expected this disappointment. Being me, tak sah la kalau tak meroyan. Mula lah nak berhenti buat amalan2 yang selama ni duk amalkan. It has always been like that sejak masuk MKIC ni. Momentum lesap sekelip mata bila result tak memuaskan, tak seperti yang diharapkan. Solat mulah lah lewat. Dhuha mula lah nak tinggal. Surau pun tak nak jejak. Sebab apa? sebab marah, sebab Allah tak kabulkan doa "straight A" tu. Dalam post sebelum ni, I've asked, whether which doa is the best? The long term or the specific kind. I've concluded that the specific kinds are the worst. Kita minta nak kaya, nak pand!ai, nak berjaya dengan Allah, kita minta dunia dengan Allah SWT. And, I've only recently prayed like this, haha. Doa minta straight A, doa nak pergi UK. Kononnya, nak berdakwah, nak sebarkan agama Allah SWT, nak menimba ilmu fisabilillah. (ye lah tu jet jet je semua ni) Padahal tu semua demi kepentingan diri sendiri.

Jadi doa yang macam mana yang ok? To me lah, tawakkal, minta Allah permudahkan ilmu, minta Allah jadikan kita hamba yang bersyukur, Minta Allah tabahkan hati. Minta Allah bagi kita yang terbaik untuk kita, because Allah knows best. Dan apa apa yang terjadi mesti ada hikmah disebaliknya. My parents always said to me that whatever you get is the best for you. Dan selalu doa agar Allah berikan kita yang terbaik untuk kita. That way, you won't be so disappointed when you didn't get what you want. Because you already know , at that time, it's not meant for you. Apa guna nya merajuk dengan Tuhan? Allah SWT tak rugi. Kita yang rugi. (Pesanan bagi diri author sendiri) Cukup lah menangis, dwelling on your own disappointment. Get up and work hard. Do everything for Allah swt. For the afterlife. For everlasting Jannah. Penat sekarang takpa, kat kubuq nanti hang boleh rehat. Jangan risau. And one more thing. Bersyukur is the key to happiness. No matter what you get you have to be thankful! (It's freaking hard, I know) Alhamdulillah for everything. Allah Swt has been the most Merciful.

So, I do hope that I won't lose my momentum this time. It isn't going to be easy for me. I really want to make my parents proud. SPM semua A boleh kutip. A level pun boleh kan? Mohon doakan author. Thanks. Doa agar author dapat yang terbaik dalam exam A2 yang akan datang. Doa agar author dapat menerima ilmu fizik dengan baik lepas ni. Oh BTW, if you guys havn't noticed. Last post was written by my friend! (rikudou saiyan) Do have a look will you? We'll be sharing my blog for a while. Bye

Yang sedang tabah,

Azwa

Dulu dan Sekarang

9:07 PM

Esok dah nak balik kolej oiii... banyak g benda yang x setel lagi ni.. haha hati ni kecewa.. kecewa dgn diri sendiri sbb bayangkan cuti sebulan, homework tersimpan kemas dalam beg... bersih drpd cap jari aku mahupun sesiapa.. adik kecik aku yang suka kelongkar beg pun x terlekat cap jari dia kat situ... betapa hebatnya sistem security ciptaan aku.. hahaha...

Tapi, aku x dibenarkan rasa kecewa oleh someone sebab dia cakap tu salah aku sendiri, sbb tau nak enjoy ja.. haha.. betoi la apa dia cakap, saja dia bg aku lagi rasa bersalah.. hahaha.. bila semakin nak balik kolej ni, nak tinggalkan rumah kesayangan dan family tercinta, perkara biasa yg akan terjadi, kita akan terfikir sejauh mana contribution kita kat rumah..lepas tu mula rasa sedih dan sedih sbb cuti terbuang dan x guna untuk spend masa betul2 dgn family terutamanya mak ayah... kalau zaman sekrang banyak mengadap gadget.. haih dunia akhir zaman, penuh dgn perkara sia sia..

Walaupun agak sedih aku rasa atas nasib cuti aku kali ni, namun kali ni fikiran aku terbang jauuuuhhh lagi kebelakang.. zaman aku sekolah dulu.. di mana aku sgt berbeza daripada aku sekarang.. di zaman persekolahan yg mana zaman itu, boleh dikatakan zaman keemasan zaman yg terindah buat setiap manusia.. ya, aku pun rasa begitu...dahulu.. zaman tu, hidup aku sentiasa dipandang hebat oleh orang, terutamanya pelajar sekolah tu... aku boleh bersukan, aku pelajar terbaik sekolah itu dalam akademik... dihormati oleh segenap pelajar dan kawan2 aku.. tapi masa tu aku xpernah rasa aku menjadi diri aku sendiri.. ye lah.. hidup aku untuk memenuhi expectation org pada masa tu.. haha..aku takut sgt orang mematahkan harapan yg org letak pda aku.. tp tu lah.. rupanya aku sendiri yg terpenjara dlm dunia kesempurnaan... mgkin akn ada yg x bersetuju dgn aku tp ini lah cerita aku... dgn segala apa yg aku ada masa tu, aku hidup sendiri, susah nak ada rakan yg rapaaaat betul dgn aku.. org takut nk dekati aku.. make sense... haha... smpai aku berdoa supaya Allah kurniakan aku seorang pembimbing yg dapat bantu aku setiap kali aku kecewa dgn diri sndiri..

Aku tunggu hari di mana org itu akan tiba,, rupa rupanya dia telah dtg ketika aku di tingkatan 5 tanpa aku sedari... (tp perkara yg selepas ni berlaku bukan di tingkatan 5) dia yang menyedarkan aku bahawa hidup yang bahagia ialah menjadi diri sendiri.. aku diajarnya untuk membuka topeng dan menunjukkan diri aku yg sebenar.... selama ni ego aku yg memuncak tinggi, dia jatuhkan macam tu ja... haha.. xtau knapa.. mgkin ego dia lg power.. haha tp cerita dia, stelah lama mana aku jumpa manusia, dia org pertama... dia lepuk pemikiran aku,dgn kata katanya "kenapa kalut fikir pasal org? bukan depa yg suap makanan kt mulut hg selama ni.. tgn tu sendiri. kadang2 kita x leh gak nk puaskan ati org ja. diri sendiri penting gak.. biar pi la org nak cakap pa.. lama2 nnti penat la.." Sentap aku bak hianggg.. haha.. klu hmpa nk tau aku dulu, (skrg dh kurang tp masih ada) aku la manusia paling paranoid, yg sgt overthink ttg stiap perkara terutamanya melibatkan pandangan org lain terhadap diri aku.. yg tu aku kena lepuk gak dgn dia ni.. hahaha..

So apa yg aku nak cerita, belajarlah jadi diri sendiri dan jgn mengejar kesempurnaan kerana kesempurnaan bukanlah satu kebahagiaan.. jadi diri sendiri dan bersyukur dgn apa yg kita ada itu adalah ketenangan.. ketenangan itu lah kebahagiaan yg sebenar.. bersyukur lah dan bukti kita bersyukur kita hidup dgn apa yg kita ada dan dgn apa yg kita ada tu, guna utk dekatkan diri kpd Pencipta kita, Allah.. sbb Allah berfirman dalam Al-Quran Surah Ar-Ra'du (13:28), " dgn hanya mengingati Allah, hati akan menjadi tenang." kalau hidup kejar kesempurnaan, macam aku dlu, sbb nk penuhi expectation org, sampai bila kita xkan bersyukur.. ye x?

point no 2, cari org yg mcm 'dia' yg aku cerita td.. bila jumpa buat dia bg jadi sahabat dunia akhirat.. jaga dia betoi2 sbb org mcm ni ja yg sedar dunia ni bkan segalanya.. klu org ni berbeza jantina, target bg jd pasangan hidup haha sbb dia serius terbooeeekkk...bukan setakat dpt org nak bantu kita kat rumah n dalam hidup, dapat penasihat yg sentiasa perihatin dgn kita... aku dulu, bukan aku mintak pun dia nasihat aku, dia yg mai nasihat aku sendiri.. ikut suka dia ja.. aku x bg line pun.. hahaha.. tp Allah bnyak bantu aku melalui dia utk dpt balik matlamat hidup.., aku bersyukur sgt sgt sgt.. hmpa balik ni p cari org macam ni.. nk crita pasal si 'dia' ni sikit, sikit dah la.. dia org yg sgt berprinsip.. pegangan dia kat pendirian dia sgt mantap... hg kekasih dia ka,tunang dia ka, xkan dpt buat dia ubah fikiran.. bukan maksud aku dia ketegaq, x.. dia xakan buat sesuatu yg bagi dia, utk diri kita x baik.. klu benda tu mendatangkan keseronokan yg sementara tp keburukan dia lebih kekal, pujuk pii lah macam na pun.. last sekali kaki ja hg dapat... haha.. aku sendiri yg banyak mendalami ilmu agama, yg hafal banyak dalil2 alquran mahupun hadis, x dapat nk amalkan mcm dia walaupun dia scara jujurnya, tidak mempunyai ilmu agama yg tinggi.. Tapiiii dia lebih amalkan lebih dr aku yg tau bnyk ni,, malu sungguh aku kt dia.. haha.. Dan dia ni jugak lah yg ajar aku ttg kematangan.. walaupun aku tua dr dia, dia matang lebih g.. dulu aku ingat matang itu ialah dikagumi rupa rupanya, org yg matang ialah org yg memahami dan suka mencari penyelesaian drpd perbalahan...

Jadi, cari org camni, susah nak jumpak, tp sekali jumpa ckup untuk bawak ke syurga in shaa Allah.. org yg sabar menunggu kita berubah drpd diri kita yg dulu dan sntiasa memaafkan kslahan kita tatkala kita 'mengada'.. haha.. jadi post kali ni banyak cerita pasal aku sbg pembuka kepada post2 aku slps ni.. tapi banyak pengajran yg aku cuba selitkan (kalau sampai, x smpai sorry guys) untuk sama2 kita amik pengajran.. semoga menjadi peringatan buat kita semua, dan terus lah kita beri peringatan kepada org lain kerana Allah berfirman dalam surah Az-Zariyat (51:55), " berilah peringatan kerana peringatan itu mendatangkan faedah kpd org2 yg beriman."

In shaa Allah, aku sudahi post pertama saya dgn jutaan terima kasih kerana boleh tahan baca panjang gila nak mampoih, bak org kedah kata.. haha

JAZAKUMULLAHUKHAIRAN,

-rikudou saiyan-

. Tooth Fairy grant my wish .

7:54 AM

Assalamualaikum, Bismillahirahmanirahim.

Hello there people. Another post in January! I should give myself a reward for posting more than twice this time. Well, supposedly I should be in college now. Well, I was. Then, I came back to Kulim after first day's class because of the toothache I suffered. I decided that the sooner I get rid of the tooth, the better. So I did! I made the appointment as soon as I got down from the bus. The bus station is only a few meters away from the dental clinic. The next day, tipu la kalau tak takut. Tapi hati mau sado babe. Masuk jumpa doc, dah settle kat kerusi yang gerak2 tu. Then... Terkejut mak, the biggest syringe I've ever been in my life. Dia bius dalam 3 jarum dan biarkan ana terbaring dalam 5 minit. When she came back my cheek felt like it was swollen. So , she proceeded the minor oral surgery (MOS) .

I didn't know what happened, but there was the gum cutting, and teeth pulling, she literally used the plier. Masa tu rasa rahang macam nak tercabut, walaupun kebas, still it was excruciating. After pulling the tooth out, she stitched my gum and all is done. Seksanya , tak boleh makan benda keras. So, I've been eating porridge for 4 days now. Still have to continue for another 2 weeks tho. I'm going to lose so much weight. (Which is good news) HAHA.

Bless the tooth fairy, because I passed MARA's requirement for my IELTS! Weeee. Alhamdulillah. The tooth fairy story is bull. Jangan nak layan sangat merapu ana ni. Semua rezeki adalah dari AllahSWT. Honestly I was at the edge of the cliff to giving up. I've been putting so much faith, before finals. My final results are the worst. I was starting to think that all the faith and hard work are wasted. I thought I was a goner. Then it came to my mind that , apa apa yang kita dapat itulah yang terbaik untuk kita. Kan? Allah knows best. Well , I've endured this for a year and a half now. I'm surprised how I'm still surviving. I really don't want to be a failure all through my A Levels. Do pray for me.

I'm scared for whats ahead of me. I really am. So much to do. So little time. I've always complained about not having enough time, then someone told me that "Masa tu makhluk Allah, if you want it, ask for it." It didn't make sense. But, as a muslim it does. When one is devoted to Allah, and they spend most of their time for Allah, 24 hrs is more than enough for them. So from now on this will be my theory in life. I will try my best for dunya and akhirah. Yes If Allah wills.

Heeeeyy, spotlights. I've changed my blog's layout. I think galaxy background and roses are too girly for me now. Now that I'm turning 20. hoho. And I may be sharing this blog with another person. So heads up people. I can't remember to write anything else anymore. Adios !

Love, Azwa

. update on me .

7:09 AM

Time.

Funny how most people feel that 24 hrs is not enough to live our life everyday. However, time flies when you’re having fun. Waiting for an event that is important to you seemed like it would took years when its only months ahead, like birthdays or anniversaries. But if theres an exam coming up or a court trial that you’re dreading , it seemed like it’s on a bullet train coming right at you.

Well, to me, time is the enemy right now. I’m scared of so many things that are bound to happen because of limited time I have. it’s driving me up the wall. I have another 6 months in MKIC. Another 4 months to prepare for A2. I don't know how to cope with things. I'm trying my best to study and go for tuition during the whole break. Not to mention that half of the break is used on bing nervous and crying bloody tears over IELTS. After IELTS, there was only a week and a fews days left including today. The results will be out this Friday. OH I CANT WAIT. No that's not true. I'm afraid of my worst nightmares. Tapi asalkan lepas band 6.5 cukup la kan ? I do hope that I'll get higher tho. In shaa Allah, Amin.

It's the end of December, mula lah typical "New Year New Me" tu. Haha to me my resolutions has always been the same. Tapi untuk tahun depan, tahun yang penting bagi ana. Because next year, If I get good grades, my dream will come true. To study overseas. Pray for me huhuhu.

Why do I always have the same resolutions every year. Why don't I change them according to the events in the year? Well, mostly because I'm afraid that I don't achieve what I hope for. I know I take myself for granted, i don't have the confidence. Tapi ana sentiasa doakan yg terbaik. Tak kira la macam mana pun.

Cakap pasal doa ni, I'm in a dilemma. Sometimes I hear people say that say long term prayers are better , but sometimes the specific ones are the best. Well, to me, it depends on the niat right? Kalau kita doa nak dapat straight A, kita tak dapat straight A mesti frust kan? Instead of Doa yang terbaik dari Dia , tak kira la apa yg kita dapat pun itulah yang terbaik, maknanya kit redha dengan segala keputusan. Tapi kalau doa macam tu macam tak usaha lansung. Entah la. ana tak cukup ilmu lagi, I need answers.

I've tried my best this year. Alhamdulillah. I will try harder next year. I really want to achieve this stage of life successfully , despite that I wasted my teenage years, I can't remember whatever I was doing. Pray for me! I wanted to write about something just now. But I forgot. oh well. toodles.

. Anger Management 101 .

4:51 PM

. Merajuk dengan Tuhan .

Dulu dan Sekarang

. Tooth Fairy grant my wish .

. update on me .

. Anger Management 101 .

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