Bismillahirahmanirrahim ,   Rindu, ya ana rindu akan hobi hobi ana yang dahulu. Hobi sebelum ana membuat keputusan untuk berhijrah. Rindu akan aktiviti-aktiviti yang dibuat untuk mengisi masa lapang dahulu. Rindu nak berhuha huhaa dengan kawan, lepak sana sini dengan geng dulu dulu. ya, Rindu. Walaupun mereka tidak lagi berlegar dalam hidup ana tapi mereka akan sentiasa diingati. Walaupun tiada di depan mata , but they sure left me some precious memories to remember. Sekrang masing² dah ke haluan masing². Semoga perjuangan mencari keredhaan-Nya tercapai wahai sahabat (ws : happy family).   Bila masuk UTP, penghijrahan ana bermula, ukhuwwah dibina bersama dengan warga warga disana. Rindu atau tidak ? gila ke tak rindu ? Macam mana ana boleh lupakan mereka, they're a blessing from Allah to me. Yes, it has been more than a year but my heart still aches for that kind of relationship.  (I should move on, but I can't huhuhu T_T) MKIC, should have the most impact on me, but I've tried and tried but mostly I just failed (banging my head on the wall) . I failed and I'm lost I don't even know what to do. Ukhuwwah ini perlu dibina , bukan ia datang bergolek sahaja. Ya , tapi ana dah cuba, cuba dan cuba untuk bina persahabatan atas dasar lillahitaala. Kawan? Ramai. Ramai sangat. Don't get me wrong, I love them but there's no spark yet (eceh spark konon ingat cerita cinta ka apa). Terasa kosong. Sehingga cemburukan persahabatan orang lain (I'm already a very jealousy friend imagine me as a wife, lol) . Cemburu yang mencucuk cucuk. Adakah ini satu dugaan dari Allah ? ana tak tahu. Lagi lama ana duduk dekat MKIC, lagi membuak buak nafsu nak putus asa istiqmah dalam penghijrahan. Ini jugak salah satu punca homesick ana yang teruk. Sikit sikit nak balik rumah, setiap hari call parents menangis nangis. (Literally, I rebelled when I can't go home during my exam gaps, sorry Ustaz T_T)  Antum kat luar tu kalau ada sahabat yang sentiasa membimbing kita ke jalan Allah tu bersyukur lah. Bukan senang nak cari kawan yang boleh kongsi semua masalah, semua rahsia, kelemahan dan aib kita , dan dia masih tetap setia dengan kita. Kalau ada , ucapkan Alhamdulillah , berikan hadiah kepadanya , cium dahinya , peluk tubuhnya dan ucapkan terimaksih kepadanya. Love your friends.  I'm not sure if its my problem , that I'm too scared to open up. But I don't think so, because I've tried to share my problems to any one of you , It turns out as a gossip in the school. Who do I trust ? Or I just can't digest the fact that a human person can never be mine and mine alone. I get jealous when I open up to someone , and that someone is laughing away with somebody else , i feel paranoid, scared that I can't trust her. Whatever it is next semester should be different for me. Because next sem will not be the same. Especially icom. During my break, I've prepared so many for icom instead of src. I don't know why icom is much more important to me. I really hope that everything will be fine. Including my personal statement and ielts. So many things needed to be done, so little time. Enough about me, Let's reflect. Bukan nak perli bukan nak mencaci dan bukan juga untuk menghina tapi untuk peringatan diri ini dan juga kamu semua. Antum fikirkan sahabat sahabat antum yang antum rapat. Sepanjang persahabatan apa yg antum pelajari daripadanya ? pernahkah dia kejutkan antum subuh ? pernah atau tidak ajak ke surau? pernah atau tidak menegur kesilapan antum? Kalau tak, fikir fikir balik betul. Nope, I'm not going to ask you to  ditch your friends and find new ones. I HATE IT when people say that to be good you need to be friends with good people. Kalau macam tu lah semua manusia, siapa yg nak bimbing orang orang yg tiada hala tuju tu? Kalau macamtu ana sampai sekrang tak kan jadi seperti sekrang kalau bukan kerana kawan2 ana di utp dahulu. Kita nak berkawan ni, lagi manis kalau niat nya kerana Allah, tanamkan dalam diri, "Aku nak jd orang yg bawa dia ke syurga" , kongsi ilmu dengan dia, ajak dia pergi majlis ilmu. Klau dalam kalangan perempuan ni , memang ada perkara perkara ni tapi pada masa yang sama , gosip pasal lelaki , kutuk puak lain, kalau macam ni apa gunanya buat pahala kalau dapat dosa balik ? (peringtan pada diri sendiri).  Sentap tak seNtap belakang cerita (Ana tak berniat pun nak sentapkan, tapi tersentap pulak, sobsob T_T) , ukhuwah ni maknanya bond, relationship. Ukhuwah Islamiyyah pula persaudaraan dalam islam. “Belum dikatakan beriman salah seorang diantara kamu, sehingga ia mencintai saudaranya seperti ia mencintai dirinya sendiri ” (HR. Bukhari). Sanggup tak nak berlapar demi kawan ? sanggup tak nak halalkan hutang kawan? Sanggup tak nak menyusahkan diri demi kawan? Kalau belum , belum capai lagi semua tahap ukwah tu. Eh Tahap? Ukwah pun ada tahap ke ? Bro semua benda ada tahapnya. 

• Yep. So first stage of Ukhuwah is Taaruf. I think we all know what's taaruf. It's like ice breaking, where you get to know each other. Well usually judging happens at this stage. Man, you don't even know the person yet so don't judge and make up your mind yet. 
• The second stage of ukwah is Tafahum . It means mutual understanding in the brotherhood you share. It takes a long time to know one's character, background, family, and history. In this stage it needs a lot of husnudzon. Yes, positive thinking. If you're annoyed with someone, that means your relationship with someone haven't come to this stage yet. I've experienced this. I've hated someone for almost 2 years but after I get to know her background I've grown to love her like my own sister. So , have positive thoughts people 
• ! The third stage ... (whew making a friend is sure damn hard)... is Ta'awun, which means helping each other. Well, when you are ready to help your friend in any situation that means you've reached this stage. But it has to be sincere, and it has to come from your love towards her and you faith towards Allah swt. In this stage, if you still have selfish feelings, or if your friend did a small mistake, mula nak mengungkit, backstab, haa salah tu. Cuba la sabar sekejap. Kalau terasa sangat, tegur dia. Tegur elok elok. Tegur tu saling menolong jugak tu. Mana tau kalauu dia tak buat dah perangai macam tu sebab ingat nasihat antum , antum dapat pahal free ja. 
• Haa dah naik ke stage Takafful, Takafful ni saling menanggung. Kita kena sedia menanggung rasa susah kawan kita, jangan biarkan dia terkapai kapai keseorangan. Kita kena berkorban demi kebahagiaan dia. Kita kena sentiasa berada disisi dia. Bila dia lapar, hulurkan makanan, Bila dia kehabisan duit, kita hulurkan duit. Bila dia susah study kita kena tolong dia.
•  Dan akhir sekali, itsar. Itsar is like the highest level of ukwah. And if you've achieved this  masyaAllah , bravo brothers and sisters. Itsar ni mendahulukan orang lain, dari diri kita sendiri. Betapa tingginya iman seseorang bila dia mamu capai tahap ni. Bila dia mampu berlapar demi kawannya yang kebulur. But yes of course, dalam zaman ni nak buat contoh tu susah. Ingat kisah dalam perang apa tah, panas terik , dan semua askar kehausan, air botol ada satu sahaja, pahlawan pertama membukanya nak minum air tak jadi sebab orang sebelah mengeluh kehausan, dia bagi kat orang sebelah , orang tu pun tak minum jugak sebab orang sebelah dia pula kehausan, they passed and passed until it reached the first person again, and at last semua mati syahid.

Betapa mudahnya ajaran islam ni, hidup berkomuniti ni ditampilkan begitu indah sekali. After learning a bit of ukwah today, life doesn't seem so bad , right? people didn't have to be mean all the time. People are mean because they didn't know how to communicate right ,to love right. That's why, as muslims , we are so blessed, we love everyone like our own family. Because that is how it's supposed to be. Spread love to everyone you know. Lower your ego, increase your imaan. 

nope, you do not need to read this, I just feel like i need to let it out. Bismillahirahmanirrahim, and again I've abandoned this blog. A-level is very time consuming (alasan semata mata) . Of course, studying in MKIC is a blessing you can say. *cough* The surrounding is nice, great food, superb lecturers, tolerable facilities and all. There's nothing more I could ask for, Alhamdulillah. But, (there's always a but) I am no longer the person I used to be before I entered MKIC, I'm not the person who wants to jihad to her heart's desire, I have lost that interest. Rasanya itulah dugaannya bila di MKIC, it's still a new college , there's no one you follow, you're the one to lead. Biah solehah dekat MKIC tak lah sempurna. Tapi Alhamdulillah, it's moderate, every women wear's their hijab, men goes to the surau to pray, we had some digital tazkirahs and we only had one usrah by far (still working on it).  Honestly, I am jealous of the community of other colleges. I've keep track with them to improvise iCom (Islamic Community Of MKIC - which is a very cool organisation in my college) . Every time I decide to do something, I get very excited but when it didn't happen it dragged all my energy down. It's like I've gave up on trying. Juniors are coming in less than a month and I am still clueless. I don't have a plan, I don't know what to do. It saddens me a lot. Which is also the reason I've changed drastically , and worst during my AS exams. I didn't go to the surau any more, I sleep a lot, I sin a lot, I didn't do the deeds I used to do. I have no interest in religious conversations. What kind of a leader am I? Am very disappointed with myself. There's no one here that would remind me, or lend a hand, or even slap me in the face to wake me up. It's a small community,where everyone is friends with everyone but each and everyone of them is ignorant. It's back in highschool again, I'm back at my old path, zaman jahiliyyah ku. But this time it's worst because I know I shouldn't act like this but I do. My heart is yearning for light, my spirit is hungry, I am weak so is my imaan. I've prayed and prayed, but I didn't prayed hard enough. I need serious help.  MKIC might be a college everyone looked up to, but to me, selagi warganya tak ditarbiyah selagi tu ia malap bagiku. There's no fire here, students are lost in their own world, and I felt like a useless leader. And all this because everyone is consoling everyone with lies. "it's okay" , "don't worry, it's not time yet" . Not time yet ? does death cares when it comes to you ? by that time can you say that "its not my time yet, im not ready" hell no. I need to wake up. I need to get back on track, if there's no track, I'll make one. I'm the only one who can help me. Good luck , dear self. I'm so sorry that you have to read this. Preaching myself. Maybe it might give you some benefits.

Bismillahirahmanirrahim, It's been a while since I posted anything here. Life is MKIC has been.... normal. Well, I'm officially 19. Feeling so old but so immature in handling my own feelings. Still can't fit in here. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends here, both classmates and housemates its just that I don't feel comfortable sharing my problems with anyone here. At first I thought I can share with kitty (not real name), but then to her I'm just another friend who'd only be with her when they have problems. Well I'm not, because she meant so much to me, but she preferred someone else's company. So I decided that I don't want to share to her anymore, sebab ana tak nak jadi kawan yg cari kawan bila dia susah ja. Gosh, it's so hard when feelings matter so much to you. Zaman sekolah dulu tak da orang nak heran kalau sapa sakitkan hati sapa. Sejak membesar ni makin sensitif pulak.Orang gurau sikit dah terasa menusuk kalbu, betapa rapuh nya diri ku ini Ya Allah. I guess I get hurt to what people say because I'm the kind of person who mean everything I say. I'd never make a joke out of anything.  So, extrovert. Yes I'm an extrovert. I'm a people person. I mingle. I talk to everyone. I socialize online. like I blog. I pour out my heart's desire here. I take part in almost everything. I lead and follow. Physically I'm an extrovert. Emotionally , I'm an introvert. I have an ego bigger than a guy's. I take everything at heart. I can't fit in emotionally. I can't trust people easily. When I love I love hard, but I'm ignorant sometimes. Constantly having a war in my mind. Ya Allah kuatkanlah hati hamba Mu ini. I need to be strong for You. I can't be so dependent on human because they always break my heart while You mend it. Malu nya aku dengan Mu Ya Allah. 

Bismillahirahmanirrahim. Ampunkan ana atas kekasaran dan kehilangan akal ana minggu lalu. Ana dah tak tau apa sebenarnya yang merasuk diri ana ni. Setiap detik ada sahaja air mata nak jatuh. Well, being a cry baby , it's really hard handling your feelings here. Balik balik disakiti, lagi lagi orang sekeliling. Ya, orang sekeliling. Manusia yang bernama kawan, sahabat. Pernah aku dengar kata kata, " Biarpun sahabat kau mempunyai 100 keburukan, carilah kebaikan dalam dirinya walaupun 1, kerana itu yang menjadi sebab kau sayangkan dia"  But here? My friends are all more the reason to love. But when they repel you, what else can you do. Being a loner hurts. A lot. I really miss you guys, Naurah and Afieza, and of course, the whole gang. It was the best 4 months of  my life , I swear. Adakah aku tidak bersyukur? tak. Aku sangat bersyukur, sebab Allah letakkan aku kat sini. Dikelilingi ramai orang yang sayangkan aku, *hopefully* mungkin diorang ni tak menunjukkan kasih sayang diorang. Ya, deorang tinggalkan aku bersendirian. They've dithced me, hurt me, with all for one reason. To make me stronger. I'm too sensitive to live in the real world. Sikit sikit nak terasa, kan? Hek eleh Azwa dah masuk kolej, hidup sendiri ah nak mengharapkan orang sangat kenapa? kan? kan? haih. Azwa kenapa AZWA. KENAPA LEMBIK. Kenapa kau nak sakit hati. Kenapa kau mengharapkan manusia sedangkan Allah ada. Kenapa walaupun dengann statement ni kau tetap nak terluka dengan sikap kawan2 kau? Kenapa tak fikir yang sebenarnya kawan kau menjauhi kau sebab perangai kau sendiri?Sedarlah Azwa. Sedar. Sedar. Biar lah mereka tak layan perangai kau, biarlah mereka tak menunggu kau, biarlah mereka berkasar bahasa dengan kau. Asalkan mereka yang membawa kau ke jalan yang benar. Yang mendekatkan kau dengan Allah. Ya itulah sahabat yang sebenar. Biarlah aku bersendirian , biarlahh hati aku berkecai tapi diletakkan semula oleh Allah. Biarlah.   Lihatlah kebaikan dalam sahabat kau Azwa. Tak nampak ke batapa diorang sayangkan kau. 

Beratnya Ya Allah , berat sungguh.  Di saat semua orang dah menghafal surah surah lazim , aku di sini cuba mencari jalan keluar. Bukan nya tak usaha, tapi aku marah dengan diri sendiri atas kelembapan kepala tengkorakku . Betapa susahnya untuk aku menghafal surah surah ni , wahal orang lain dah menghafal semua surah ni masa tadika lagi. Aku malu , dah menghafal tu malu nak minta kawan dengarkan. Setiap kali aku cuba sebut balik apa yang  aku hafal , aku lupa dan mesti air mata nak jatuh. Aku benci , aku benci ! Baru surah , belum zikir dan doa lagi. Aku menyesal aku bazirkan zaman kanak kanak dan remaja aku dengan jahiliyyah. Aku menyesal tak sedar diri dari awal. Aku menyesal menyakitkan hati parents aku. Aku menyesal! I should've been a good daughter, listened to my parents , be a pious muslim. Maybe I would've ended up being shameful of myself now.   That doesn't count on this emptiness I felt since the last few months I'm here. Everything is blank blank blank blank .

FED UP