Bismillahirahmanirrahim

Assalamualaikum sayang , How yall doing guys ? Dah ucapkan Alhamdulillah ? Subhanallah ? Allahuakbar ? kalau belum buat lah sekarang :) So Ramadan huh ? Tough month . But I'm doing fine. Ok laaaa . Aku nak mintak maaf sebab aku abaikan blog ni sekian lama. Hmm . Aku pun tak tau kenapa aku rasa nak start tulis balik , padahal nak exam dah kut . er er er . Berapa lagi hari huh ? Hmm abaikan je la. 

Aku sebenarnya , tak tentu sekarang ni , dalam diri aku ni berlaku satu perang . There's a freaking war inside me . The bad side is so desperate , forcing me to hate myself for letting go such a beautiful , and precious feeling . The good side is currently pulling my bad side by the feet , persuading me , to turn myself to Allah . Do you how much I suffer ? But I'm fighting so hard that it hurts . O, Allah , awaken me from this madness. I'm so confused , it's like during the day , I'll do good deeds and perform to Allah as much as I can , but during the night , I'll be crying so hard and complain all my regrets. Totally a different person , you know? In my heart , I know I should do more of the deeds , like , Tahajjud , or Taubah . But the nafs' in me is so strong ,that laziness took over . 

I'm trying to change , like we talked , the reason I agreed to the deal. I know , Jodoh is in the hands of Allah SWT , It's still hard for me . Shame of me . Forgive me Ya Allah . Malu aku kepada Allah tu tiada tandingannya . Aku nak berubah , berubah ke arah yang baik , kenapa susah sangat ? haih . SPM is just a few months away , and I'm not even ready for trial next month . Ya Allah , permudahkanlah jalan aku untuk ke Jannah Mu . I'm still trying to gather myself so that I won't break from this sickness . It's giving me breathing difficulties from time to time . But I'm fine , I guess . Mum is going to kill me if she sees that I've didn't even touch the meds she took last month. 

Anyway , I'm still planning on continuing my studies overseas , which is Jeddah .I hope my parents approve this. 

I want to change , To be a better muslimah . Aku menyesal aku tak mendalami ilmu agama dari kecil , sekarang menrangkak rangkak nak hafal ayat hafazan. Astagfirullahala'zim . Ayat hafazan sampai sekarang pun tak hafal lagi . I hope its not too late . I hope I won't let my parents down , lastly , I hope that I wont fail to be a good Muslimah . 

So long my dear friends . I'm sorry for all my mistakes , and I hope you forgive me . Please do , before I beg for it . (: Assalamualaikum . Happy Ramadan darls .