It was 3:00 a.m. in the morning when I called him , I cried horribly . At the end of the line , he just kept quiet from the moment I start moaning to the end. Never said a word.  After 10 minutes of sniffing and wailing, finally , he said “Get some sleep, we’ll talk tomorrow”.  I did exactly what he said.

Today , I was standing at the bus station , searching for him. Since the both of us are studying faraway , we only meet during the holidays. Let me just get this clear. Him and I , we’re like a combo, a lock and key. The both of us we’re very known as the awkward couple. Yes, we’re married, but we don’t know how to act around each other. It’s been only a month since our marriage, and we’ve haven’t really walk or talk like husbands and wives are supposed to. It’s not that I don’t love him, only God knows the love I have for him. He’s the sunshine to my dark soul. Me, I’m the one who’s causing all this awkwardness.

I’m not a social bug, nor friendly. Since the day we knew each other, I’ve been trying to avoid him. But only fate knows why , he didn’t care. He kept coming back again and again. For someone who suffers depression ,insecurities, and low self-esteem like me doesn’t deserve someone so bright like him. Getting to know him makes me happy , which, also a feeling I rarely show. He makes me feel secure. But him? He started to feel insecure the moment he fell in love with me. Now that we’re married, and still young, I doubt that I’m mature enough to be fair.

“Hey, How long did you wait?” He nudged my shoulder from the back.  His hair wet, plastered to his forehead, T-shirt sticking to his body, and his shoulders tense from carrying his backpack. A view that I would never want to look away.

“Not that long, only half an hour.”  I pulled out a handkerchief and wiped his face gently. He leaned in to give a hug. Awkwardly , I patted his back.

 “I..I missed you” he said , muffled in the scarf of my head. “Yeah, me too.” I tried to pulled away. He let go , and looked at me, eyebrows creasing. After a moment he smiled , a guilty smile.  Again , I just ruined a moment. Every time things like this happen because I was too egoistic to accept his affections, to be loved. He’s hurt for sure, it’s shown clearly on his face.

Heading home together for the first time, to our parents , to show them how happy we were. I’m nervous. Who knows what’ll happen on the way. On the bus, I continue to get him dry by patting him with the towel randomly, all over his face. It was a warm gesture that tickles him, hearing his laugh is certainly the medicine I need.

“It’s raining heavily, who knows what time we’ll arrive.” He looked at the window beside me. “Yeah, it’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay.”I assured him as I trace his palm with my fingers.  He closed his hand around mine and pulled my chin up with the other. “What is it? What’s scaring you last night? Were you in pain? Was it the nightmares again?” He asked.

This is why I opened up my heart to him. He’s very understanding. He never rushes. He waits for the right time.  “It’s nothing, I had an attack, I’m fine now.”  “Again? That was the third time this month. Are..are you okay? Do..Do you want to see the doctor?” His face worried.

 “you look funny.” I giggled. He frowned immediately. “You.. you probably had less sleep , you lost weight. I’m worried.” I stopped when he started to sigh and took a long breath.

“Hey, I’m okay. I just missed you a lot. That’s all. We’ll go to the doctor when we reached home. Okay?” Panicked that I might put him to further stress , I tried reassuring him. Though I know that there’s no way I’m going to the doctor. His face calmed. “I love you, you know?”.  Feeling guilty that I lied, I scoot away from him and nearer to the window . “Yeah. I know.”

“BANG” I hit my head on the window while sleeping  because the bus has gone through a rough road. He immediately pulled me closer to him and rubbed my head. “Are you okay? You hit really hard.” I wasn’t aware that my tears were streaming down my cheeks. Still under his arms, I sat silently. I looked up to him , but looked away because he was looking at me. I felt warmth flowed to my cheeks. I was blushing , I can’t believe that I was actually blushing.  I’ve never been that close to him for that long. And that time it didn’t feel awkward. So I snuggled closer. I didn’t look at him, because I was embarrassed. But I knew there was a ghostly smile of appreciation.

When we reached my home, it was already 10:00 p.m. I climbed , no, crawled up the stairs as he voluntarily carry all the bags to my room. Our room. When I reached the room, my destination was the bed. Not caring unpacking my things, not caring that there’s another human being in the room. He closed the door  and put all the bags to one side of the room. He turned around and took off his shirt, aware that I’m watching, and put on an old jersey. Again, I was blushing. He sat by the bed and took out my medicine. I was shocked that he knew where I put it. “Take these. Every pill. Don’t skip.” He hand over my drugs and a bottle of water. I did what he said. His eyes never left me. “Good girl.” He leaned in and kissed my forehead. Quickly , he kneeled to another bag, and pulled out a comforter. I know , I’m mean. Yes, he sleeps on the floor. But this time, I felt guilty; I don’t want him to be far from me. I don’t want to lose his touch. Lowering down my ego, my voice hardly came out. “Don’t..” .

“Hmm?” He was confused.  I reached his hand and pulled him up to the bed. “Not on the floor. Here.” I patted the bed. He was shocked. “No! I.. I CAN’T. I can’t let you sleep on..on the floor!” He was stuttering, I giggled out a nervous laugh. “No , silly, I’ll be beside you.”

“Oh.” He looked at me with a “are you serious” face. “you’re okay? You’re not scared anymore?” He whispered, it’s like he’s the one who’s scared. “No , maybe, I didn’t need my self time. Maybe, all along , I needed you. What’s past, let it stay in the past. You’re my life now.” I said, looking down, fiddling with my fingers.

All of the sudden he hugged me. So tight I couldn’t breathe.  “Finally,” He sighed . When he let go , he held on to my shoulder “I would never ever hurt you, I swear on my life. I will love you and cherish you eternally. I will protect you from harm. I will wipe away all your tears, and I will make sure that you never live in fear ever again. Because I’m here, I want u to be happy. I’ll do anything for you. I love you.” I was too stunned to speak and broke down into tears. He lied down, pulling  me with him, one arm around me. His shirt was wet with my tears , I was still aware that I’m listening to his heartbeat , while he kissed all my ugly scars on my wrists and caressed me to sleep. For the first time, I didn’t wake up screaming. For the first time since it happened, the same old nightmare is gone. For the first time, I woke up, being grateful to God. Thanking Him for this beautiful life I’ve been praying for was just in front of me all this while. For the first time, I finally realised that this person beside me loved me. Really loved me. 

So hope you're entertained with my writing. I'm currently having a snail speed internet , got to go. Assalamualaikum