. Ranting my heart out.

9:39 AM

nope, you do not need to read this, I just feel like i need to let it out.
Bismillahirahmanirrahim, and again I've abandoned this blog. A-level is very time consuming (alasan semata mata) . Of course, studying in MKIC is a blessing you can say. *cough* The surrounding is nice, great food, superb lecturers, tolerable facilities and all. There's nothing more I could ask for, Alhamdulillah. But, (there's always a but) I am no longer the person I used to be before I entered MKIC, I'm not the person who wants to jihad to her heart's desire, I have lost that interest. Rasanya itulah dugaannya bila di MKIC, it's still a new college , there's no one you follow, you're the one to lead. Biah solehah dekat MKIC tak lah sempurna. Tapi Alhamdulillah, it's moderate, every women wear's their hijab, men goes to the surau to pray, we had some digital tazkirahs and we only had one usrah by far (still working on it). 
Honestly, I am jealous of the community of other colleges. I've keep track with them to improvise iCom (Islamic Community Of MKIC - which is a very cool organisation in my college) . Every time I decide to do something, I get very excited but when it didn't happen it dragged all my energy down. It's like I've gave up on trying. Juniors are coming in less than a month and I am still clueless. I don't have a plan, I don't know what to do. It saddens me a lot. Which is also the reason I've changed drastically , and worst during my AS exams. I didn't go to the surau any more, I sleep a lot, I sin a lot, I didn't do the deeds I used to do. I have no interest in religious conversations. What kind of a leader am I? Am very disappointed with myself. There's no one here that would remind me, or lend a hand, or even slap me in the face to wake me up. It's a small community,where everyone is friends with everyone but each and everyone of them is ignorant. It's back in highschool again, I'm back at my old path, zaman jahiliyyah ku. But this time it's worst because I know I shouldn't act like this but I do. My heart is yearning for light, my spirit is hungry, I am weak so is my imaan. I've prayed and prayed, but I didn't prayed hard enough. I need serious help. 
MKIC might be a college everyone looked up to, but to me, selagi warganya tak ditarbiyah selagi tu ia malap bagiku. There's no fire here, students are lost in their own world, and I felt like a useless leader. And all this because everyone is consoling everyone with lies. "it's okay" , "don't worry, it's not time yet" . Not time yet ? does death cares when it comes to you ? by that time can you say that "its not my time yet, im not ready" hell no. I need to wake up. I need to get back on track, if there's no track, I'll make one. I'm the only one who can help me. Good luck , dear self.
I'm so sorry that you have to read this. Preaching myself. Maybe it might give you some benefits.

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